waltzmatildah: (tvd: damon in close up)
[personal profile] waltzmatildah
Title: Now Shall I Sleep In A Bed Of Blood
Fandom: The Vampire Diaries
Character/s: Damon (and Elena)
Word Count: 1500
Rating: PG
Summary: A coda to the end of The Descent. What didn't happen next...
Author's Note: For [livejournal.com profile] miss_blanche, who also provided the beta-ing services, so any mistakes are totally hers!! (j/k) and [livejournal.com profile] abvj (especially the end part!). Title and cut text from Dark Storm, The Jezebels.



Jessica.

The syllables bubble in the back of his throat. Trip over and around his teeth until it feels like he's choking on them. Her blood still stains his fingertips. A dark black-red. The innermost parts of her under his nails.

Smeared to sideways across the planes of his face.

Slowly seeping their way into the innermost parts of him.

His breath ghosts in the frigid night air. Hides her lifeless features for blurred seconds at a time. An opaque mist that is almost but not quite permanent enough to switch off his manic synapses.

Backing away rapidly he trips over nothing, trips over everything, ends up sprawled across the black top. Welcomes the punishing slam of skull against asphalt as the entire world grays out for a blink.




*





He's somewhere else then. The highway, disappeared. The stench of death, of senseless destruction, now a vague memory that he can't quite piece back together.

Isn't sure he wants to.

His hip-flask is gone. Discarded.

Emptied and emptying, just like him.

Instead he clamps vice-like fingers around a bottle of something cheap and fiery and doesn't even shudder as it burns a blazing trail through his insides.

A light flicks to on. The absolute terror that masks her face is real.

And exactly as it should be.

But the moment passes, fast enough to convince him it never happened at all, and her features melt into pity and concern and blood numbing sympathy and he wants nothing more than to scream obscenities in her face.

She raises hands in his direction, moves as though to touch him. He backs away sharply. Step by step by step 'til he's pressed up against the plasterboard.

Wonders how hard he'd have to push to disappear into it completely.




*





He hates himself for coming here. Can't even remember making the decision to. Reconciles his arrival with the fact that she's fast becoming his default setting.

And she wears the face of her predecessor so completely that he figures he really shouldn't be all that surprised.

He swings the bottle to his lips, glass against teeth. Swallows. Tastes blood.

He's drunk but not drunk enough. Never drunk enough. Can feel his body processing the alcohol as quickly as he can pour it in.

A betrayal of sorts.

Figures he deserves little else.




*





Her mouth is moving, opening and closing and crashing in soundless waves. She disappears momentarily and he takes the opportunity to breathe. To let his hands shake and his feet stumble and his chin fall to his chest.

She's back with a wet cloth. Pressing it forcefully into fingers that won't curl to closed and indicating wildly that he should wipe away the evidence.

The cloth drops to the floor as soundlessly as everything else. He'd reach to pick it up but the distance is suddenly insurmountable.

The heart he's typically oblivious to is pounding wildly at his ribcage and he's nothing but certain no amount of syrupy liquor is going to quell the fury.




*





He drags his gaze back to meet hers. Has everything he needs to say trapped at the back of his throat. Wrapped, barbed wire-like, around and around his tonsils, coating his tongue.

Manages, only just, to choke out the short version, “Make it stop...”

And the sentence feels like absolution. She blinks back at him. She's crying and something in his chest shifts all the way to the left.

“No, no, no, no...” Shakes his head until up is down and red fades to bright, bright white.

If he didn't know better he'd swear he was hyperventilating. Thick and cloying air sawing, in and out, out and in, through lungs that are out of practice.




*





She moves in slow motion. Hooks the cloth on one finger and brings it to his face. Tentative. Like he's not already shattered into one million slivered shards.

He flinches. Wears the blood and viscera like a scarlett letter. Almost doesn't want it gone.

The water soaked material drags across his chin, she closes her eyes and doesn't look.

He keeps his open. Wide. Pays his penance in the only way he knows how.




*





Arms wrap around him then, tight. Like she might be keeping his insides where they're meant to be.

Her and nothing else.

The feeling is familiar but wholeheartedly foreign in the same fleeting moment.

He can't help but think it was the first of these that started his un-ravelling. All those days and months and hours ago. A tomb that didn't hold his future and the shattered reality that he doesn't think he's quite managed to shake off.

If he's honest with himself.

Which he tries not to be. Most of the time.




*





He's cold. Like ice. From the inside to all the way out.

And he thinks Rose was his friend. That she chose him for him and not for some convoluted ideal that was always more about his brother than anything else.

He thinks Rose was his friend. And he thinks he killed her. Drove a stake between her ribs and used her hollowed out carcass as a smoke screen to hide his own ugly truth.

Wonders, panicked, how long 'til Elena is next.




*





She drops her arms. Moves to step back. His eyelids slide to closed lest he catch a glimpse of the pity she's draped in.

He can see no use for any of it.




*





There's a bottle still clenched between fingers that have long since faded to numb. The fog is clearing. Figures the half-way to full contents will be just enough to call it back.

For now.

The shrill buzzing of a cell phone bursting to life cuts the air between them. He shrugs for her benefit. Brings the liquor to his lips and doesn't stop pouring 'til the mumbled sound of her voice smooths back into silence and ice.

Uses her turned back to disappear as soundlessly as he arrived.




*





He picks an unsteady path to the tomb. Trips his way down the first three steps before slumping to seated on the stone. Doesn't trust himself enough to pace out the rest of the journey.

To not step across the threshold between here and oblivion.

Almost wonders if it wouldn't be the best idea he's managed in years.




*





Dawn comes. Spills orange and pink and elongated shadows over the horizon. They're waiting when he pushes open the heavy front door. Shoulder to shoulder. Fingers in knots.

Strength in numbers.

He'd laugh if he had the energy. Manages a bitter smirk that feels almost like home.

He pushes past them then. Feigns indifference as a weariness that is all encompassing threatens to send him to his knees before he reaches the base of the staircase.

His bedroom door is pulled to closed. And he's not yet convinced he's gathered the resolve to swing it open.




*





There's movement. A hand ghosting against his shoulder blade. He shoves his way into the room in a bid to have it gone.

The bed has been stripped bare. Re-made. Almost like nothing ever happened. As though freshly laundered sheets are more than enough to rid the room of demise and despair.

And maybe they are.

“Damon?”

He spins to face her immediately but only because he knows she doesn't expect him to. Chalks a solitary point up against his name. Loses it amid all the lines that are under hers. Quirks his eyebrows into a perpetual question mark and cocks his head a little to the left.

A challenge of sorts.

And one he's not entirely convinced he can win.




*





She backs down.

Her pity for him has evaporated, she no longer wears it like a heavy cloak, but the unnecessary concern is still red raw.

And he knows her capitulation has nothing to do with conceding defeat. Knows her well enough to know that for a fact.

She shrugs. Paces out the seven steps to his doorway before turning back. Offers him a sad, slow smile that threatens to undo the parts of him that he's steadfastly piecing back together.

Sewing needles and loose cotton thread through his veins.

She leaves then, without a word. Grants him the solitude he both craves and abhors.




*





Alone and mostly sober for the first time in hours, he allows the weight of what has come to pass settle heavily on his shoulders.

Offers up an unfamiliar benediction.

Figures that what comes next must surely fall to him. Clenches his fists around the notion of vengeance and retribution and swears to not release his grip 'til it's done.

Date: 2011-01-31 12:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] miss-blanche.livejournal.com
I've already flailed all over you in email but, I may as well do it in your journal too :DDDDD SOOOOOOOO GOOOOOOOOOOOODDD! ♥ I love the ending! And the whole damn thing! Adding to memories immediately. Your woobie Damon is just...

He's drunk but not drunk enough. Never drunk enough. Can feel his body processing the alcohol as quickly as he can pour it in.

A betrayal of sorts.

Figures he deserves little else.


Pure love.

Date: 2011-01-31 12:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
Thank you!!

I'm super glad you like my woobie Damon! Mostly because I'm pretty sure I don't have a different one to offer if you didn't!!

WOOBIE DAMON IS DEFAULT SETTING FOR SHIZ.

Thank you for your assistance last night! Champ = you!

(also, unfort. champ = Novak... again...)

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Date: 2011-01-31 01:01 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] abvj.livejournal.com
WHAT DO I NORMALLY DO WITH MY HANDS?! I CAN'T REMEMBER RIGHT NOW.

Seriously, this is EXACTLY what I needed after this week's episode. So damn perfect. You write Damon so well - the way you dive into this head and explain him better than almost everywhere else I've read. Perfect. Love the flow of this too. So well done.

Date: 2011-01-31 01:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
Haha!! THANK YOU! Glad I could offer you some closure! I LOVE Damon's head... 'tis so dark and murky and... INTRIGUING!! He leaves Meredith Grey for dead!!

Thank you again! Hope you've regained the use of your hands!

Date: 2011-01-31 01:45 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thursdays-girl.livejournal.com
Wow, this was incredible. It's jagged but it flows and it really is a wonderfully-written piece.

Date: 2011-01-31 01:47 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
It's jagged Heh, I know. I can't help myself!! I have a tendency to write like that a fair bit...!

I'm glad that it still flows though because it's not my intention to make the jaggedness jarring, if that makes sense!! Haha!

THANK YOU!

Date: 2011-01-31 01:46 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] citron-presse.livejournal.com
Gorgeous, as always, and gave wonderful depth to the episode. I totally agree with [livejournal.com profile] abvj about your writing of Damon - so, so good!

Date: 2011-01-31 01:48 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
Thank you!!!

Also, I see *flaps hands* that you found yourself some b&w Damon icons! Yeesh!!!

Date: 2011-01-31 02:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] xo-eva.livejournal.com
AAAHHHHH! IlovedthissomuchAAAAAH! Reading this felt like falling... I just, dunno, tumbled through this story, -felt- what Damon was going through, Elena's concern, and the despondent air of it all was so thick it was tangible.

Just. Thank you. I NEEDED to read something like this. <3

Date: 2011-01-31 02:57 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
ThankyousomuchforlovingitAAAAAAH! Haha! I loved, LOVED the end of the most recent episode, but it seemed like fandom was in something of an uproar about it so I wanted to, I guess, 'explain' where Damon was coming from... or something! I don't know!!

Anyway, THANK YOU!

Date: 2011-01-31 03:20 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lving-darkness.livejournal.com
AHHAHHA! Perfect!
I legit almost cried when Damon cried during the epi, and this, this just sums up everything so well.
And he thinks Rose was his friend. That she chose him for him and not for some convoluted ideal that was always more about his brother than anything else.

He thinks Rose was his friend. And he thinks he killed her. Drove a stake between her ribs and used her hollowed out carcass as a smoke screen to hide his own ugly truth.

Wonders, panicked, how long 'til Elena is next.

omy god, be still my heart. this was awesome and epic and perfect and painfully wonderful!

Date: 2011-01-31 03:37 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
I legit almost cried when Damon cried ME TOOOOOOOOOO!! And it's been a LONG time since that happened!! (I think Bailey freaking out at the elevators in the finale was the last time -- thought it actually happened then... I blubbered and it was gross!).

Thank you, thank you!!

Date: 2011-01-31 03:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] crowandfog.livejournal.com
GAH!!!! SOOOOOOOOOOO GORGEOOOOOUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!!!!

I love this Damon! I love him I love him! The way you've written him feels so raw and so real for the character. I love the way you broke up the scenes. It's like being drunk with him, coming in and out of an awareness of what's going on. What a perfect fic for such an emotional episode!

Date: 2011-01-31 03:41 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
THANK YOU!

I'm so glad you love this Damon, because I do, too!! I feel like I'm one of the few people that actually really enjoyed the scene he had with Jessica the other night and maybe saw it as something completely different to the 'omg, character regression of doom' sentiment that seems to abound at the moment...

What did you think?

As for the style of this, while I do tend to write in fits and starts at the best of times (I just can't seem to help myself!), it was definitely more deliberate in this as I really wanted to get the drunk confusion/guilt/horror/hurt/make it all go away-ness across...

THANK YOU!

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Date: 2011-01-31 04:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] ovariesofsteel.livejournal.com
Considering the ep sucked, this was heavenly!

(Ok, so this rocked even if the episode wasn't sucktastic.)

:D

Date: 2011-01-31 12:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
HA! Well, I for one really like the episode... a lot.

Thanks for reading!!

Date: 2011-01-31 06:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lacrimadraconis.livejournal.com
So raw and painful, it hurt in all the good ways!

Date: 2011-01-31 12:01 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
Thank you!! And I'm super glad it was in the good ways because that was definitely my intention!!!

Date: 2011-01-31 06:22 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] midnightblack07.livejournal.com
excuse me while I pick my jaw up off the floor!!! =O
this is beautifully written (as everything you write is hehe); I'm no where near exaggerating when I say I can quote pretty much the entire thing... the poetic flow of every line was flawless

He thinks Rose was his friend. And he thinks he killed her. Drove a stake between her ribs and used her hollowed out carcass as a smoke screen to hide his own ugly truth.

I particualtly loved this because, as twisted as that scene was (where he used Rose's body to keep up appearances with the Council) it's true to who he is and I'm glad they left that bit there...

again, beautiful, beautiful work <3

Date: 2011-01-31 12:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
and I'm glad they left that bit there ME TOO!! I didn't know there had been plans to cut it! Wowsers, I'm really glad they left it there... I think it probably made him hate himself just that little bit more... (which is always a good thing for the angst meter if you know what I'm sayin'!!)

Thank you, thank you!!

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Date: 2011-01-31 07:50 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] damon-s-86.livejournal.com
I'm teary eyed.

Date: 2011-01-31 12:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
Heee, sorry! (Only, not really!) THANK YOU FOR READING!!

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Date: 2011-01-31 08:28 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] x5vale.livejournal.com
And he thinks Rose was his friend. That she chose him for him and not for some convoluted ideal that was always more about his brother than anything else.
THIS!

This is perfect. Your Damon is so IC, is just the Damon I love and I see behind all the layers and the masks he wears on.

Date: 2011-01-31 12:08 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
THIS! THANK YOU FOR SINGLING THIS OUT BECAUSE, YES!! THIS!!! I mean, Rose was the only person we ever been introduced to that actually had an interest in Damon that was about nothing more than Damon... and he had to kill her. Yikes.

I'm SO freaking pleased you found Damon to be IC as it's always a fine line with him, especially when dealing with angst. THANK YOU!!

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Date: 2011-01-31 11:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] chateaus.livejournal.com
She shrugs. Paces out the seven steps to his doorway before turning back. Offers him a sad, slow smile that threatens to undo the parts of him that he's steadfastly piecing back together.

Sewing needles and loose cotton thread through his veins.


this just killed me. this is the most beautifully written d/e fic i've ever read.

Date: 2011-01-31 12:10 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
Thank you so much! Wow, your words made me grin like a fool!! I'm relatively new to this fandom and still testing the waters but the chemistry (friendship or otherwise) between Damon and Elena is like a fic gold mine for me!! I love it!

Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to review. It really does mean a lot!

Date: 2011-01-31 04:31 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] brightstarmara.livejournal.com
Figures that what comes next must surely fall to him. Clenches his fists around the notion of vengeance and retribution and swears to not release his grip 'til it's done. Best closing sentence ever. I have a feeling that who ever crosses him first is in for a world of hurt with no end.

This was beautiful and I know I should have waited reading it untill I got home from work... because now I wanna cry again! Like I've said before, the way you use words and craft them together is pretty incredable.

There are so many parts to this that I want to pick out and give you praise for, but I would end up just filling the comment box with your story ;)

I'll write more later! Loved it!!!

Date: 2011-02-01 01:19 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
Thank you!! Also, you have no idea how happy I am that you singled out the end because I re-wrote it SO MANY TIMES!! And it is nothing like the first attempt (which was more about Elena than Damon and I really wanted it to be about him so... anyway yeah. YAY!).

I look forward to your 'more later'!!

(sorry for making you wanna cry!)

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Date: 2011-01-31 06:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] aiscat93.livejournal.com
wow, wow, this is utterly gorgeous. damon's thoughts are beautiful and oh, so sad, and i love elena in this even though we don't see a massive amount of her. you pulled off the blankness, the fog in his head, so well. <33

Date: 2011-02-01 01:21 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
Thank you!! It was definitely meant to be more about Damon than about Damon and Elena, hence the fact that Elena is only featured in a supporting role! But I think anything that is about Damon almost has to connect with her at some point because she's pretty integral to where he's at at the moment... Especially in situations like this because he really has no one else.

I am so glad the blankness and the fog came across in the reading... Yay!

Date: 2011-01-31 11:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] zagethe.livejournal.com
Lyrically written. Bravo! Damon is such a rich character to play with. And though I may be in the minority I really don't want Damon toned down in any way. (which I thought he was at the beginning of S-2) Damon does evil things and yet is not an evil character (well, a little bad maybe). That's a hard character to write for and an even harder character to play. I hope that VD continues to write him as the tortured bad guy that kills with a smile. And that you continue to write him so beautifully.

Date: 2011-02-01 01:23 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
Thank you!! I agree, I think the character of Damon is a veritable gold mine for fic!!

And if you're in the minority then I (and [livejournal.com profile] crowandfog) am right there alongside you!! We discussed this at length further up the thread here if you're interested...

Thank you so much for reading/commenting.
Edited Date: 2011-02-01 01:24 am (UTC)

Date: 2011-02-01 10:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] jillbee7.livejournal.com
YESSSSS. You're brilliant. This episode broke my heart into a zillion little pieces. Rose was his friend, and probably the only true friend he's had maybe ever. When they were in the field together I almost died. He was just being himself and not putting on an act, and she understood him. I often think Elena understands Damon more than Stefan, but Rose pretty much was Damon in a girl form. Fuck. She understood him completely and liked him for who he really is. You wrote his reaction perfectly, I think. I hope he goes to Elena for help instead of going on even more of a murderous rampage, but I honestly don't know if he will. I think that Elena makes him feel, and he's going to try everything he can to turn that off. I don't think it's as easy for him to do anymore though, so maybe he will take his own advice that he gave Elena and will keep fighting.

<3 Thanks for this. It was a perfect follow-up and I loved it, just like I love everything you write.

Date: 2011-02-03 10:25 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
THANK YOU!!! Ak. You review/comment made me smile so much because you touched on everything I was really hoping to portray. YAY!

I also LOVED the most recent episode... it was like cannon fodder for an angst-a-holic like myself!! I can't wait for the new episode!! Hopefully it will be equally inspiring...!!

Date: 2011-02-05 02:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cassiehayes.livejournal.com
OH MY GODDDDDD, this is wonderful, this isn't just written well but written beautifully. I know I've said it before but honestly, the way you put words together is ridiculous, I've never seen a style quite like it, and the imagery you conjure up is just gorgeous and so, so fresh. Ugh, Damonnnnnnn, this was heart-breaking.

He can't help but think it was the first of these that started his un-ravelling. All those days and months and hours ago. A tomb that didn't hold his future and the shattered reality that he doesn't think he's quite managed to shake off.

If he's honest with himself.

Which he tries not to be. Most of the time.


THIS. I love that it all goes back to the tomb and what he still hasn't managed to shake off, you can't just shake something like that off. And Elena's hug being what started his unraveling, there's just something beautiful about that, you set it up perfect.

And he thinks Rose was his friend. That she chose him for him and not for some convoluted ideal that was always more about his brother than anything else.

sldksdskhdsdkhsdk this was wonderful too, and such a good point, that Rose was HIS friend, had nothing to do with Stefan, really, and she was the only person in his life who really was and now he's lost her.

I LOVE Damon going down into the tomb too, not trusting him not to go inside, that just pulled on my heartstrings so much and it was so dark and perfect and unf, you're just amazing, ok? ♥

Date: 2011-02-05 03:03 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] cassiehayes.livejournal.com
AND OH OH OH I SAW YOUR DISCUSSION ABOVE AND JUST WANT TO ADD THAT I LOVED THE END OF 2x12 SKDJSKDS IT WAS PERFECT.

Everyone I was watching it with was all "But but but he bit another person, great, he's back to that," and I was just like "HOW CAN YOU SEE IT'S NOT THE SAME AND HE'S BEEN THROUGH SO MUCH AND THIS IS HIS EXISTENTIAL CRISIS AND THIS SCENE IS PROBABLY MY FAVORITE TVD SCENE EVER NOW AND MADE ME CRY AND I HAVE SO MUCH RESPECT FOR IAN SOMERHALDER."

THANK GODDDDD THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE WHO PROPERLY APPRECIATED IT.

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Date: 2011-02-07 10:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] sophiathorn.livejournal.com
*picks jaw up from it's familiar place on the floor*

Oh, Damon! You are the perfect angst container.

Date: 2011-02-08 02:08 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] waltzmatildah.livejournal.com
You are the perfect angst container.

ISN'T HE EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! GAH!

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