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waltzmatildahTitle: Now we're here and it's turned to chaos...
Word Count: 2800
Pairings/Characters: Alex/Izzie (implied), Meredith/Derek, Cristina/Owen (implied), Mark/Lexie, Bailey, Chief.
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Season 5
Summary/Warning: Immediately following Izzie's death. How do her friends react to losing her, both with each other and in their respective relationships.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libellous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
--
There is a crash in the hallway, loud, metallic.
At first no one moves.
And then Cristina runs. And a month ago Callie would have found that weird, but today, after this, after everything she has seen, Cristina chasing Alex seems perfectly natural.
Meredith follows eventually, it is only seconds later but it feels like a lifetime. Callie can't figure out where to look, eventually chooses to simply close it all out.
A hand brushes her arm, gently but with purpose. She opens her eyes again to find the room almost completely cleared out and is surprised to find herself relieved.
“Help me?”
Miranda's plea is not pitiful for Miranda is never pitiful. It is, however, full of despair and a silent, simmering form of devastation. Callie knows this group was always special to her, no matter how much she grumbled about them, no matter how much extra curricular drama they created for her.
She nods silently, not trusting her voice, and moves to help Miranda rid Izzie Stevens of the machinery that had been keeping her alive.
She doesn't need it anymore.
--
Miranda does not know what has taken place over the last hour and she sincerely doubts that she will ever be privy to the information. She wonders breifly whether she would want to know anyway, decides she probably doesn't.
As she watches them decend the stairs in a pack she is startled into a long forgotten memory of another night, another time. Only now it is not prom night and there are no fairytale pink dresses, no balloons of silver and white. The result has been the same but tonight has been infinitely sadder, infinitely more personal, infinitely more shocking.
Again, there is no happy ending here.
She knows they must see her but they give no indication that they do. Their movements seem choreographed, like something other than themselves is in complete control. She can already see what is going to happen next, can sense the pure inevitability of it.
She thinks, ultimately, that the real losers in this situation aren't even going to see it coming. It will be gradual, subtle but it will be irreversible and impenetrable.
Alex Karev is in the centre, ghostlike and being held up by the three bodies flanking him. None of them touch and none of them speak but at the same time they are all over each other, supporting, encouraging. No one will be left behind.
She knows their friendship is of a rare breed.
“What do you think we should be prepared for?”
The deep voice stuns her and she turns, surprised to find Richard by her side.
“The residents, you know them the best... what should we be prepared for?”
There is hope in his eyes, he sincerely thinks she has all the answers.
“To be honest, sir? I have absolutely no idea. But I do know that it won't be pretty.”
She sighs and drags a hand across her face, notes him nodding his apparent agreement.
“That much I definitely do know,” she finishes.
--
Derek can already feel it happening. It is only by degrees but it is happening nonetheless.
During the fleeting moments that Alex actually sleeps he does so upright and in an armchair, like he can't lay down and George sits on the porch for hours at a time, unable to bring himself to even enter the house. Cristina seems to have moved in and Lexie is conspicuous only by her absence. Meredith seemed to think this is all completely normal.
The four of them communicate constantly, though they very seldom speak. It is a language Derek doesn't understand and, so far, no one has been willing to teach him.
Alex is on the couch watching the muted television. The lack of sound is starting to make Derek stir crazy.
“Alex?”
There is no indication he has been heard, no shift in posture, no facial twitch. Just stony, silent stillness.
“Alex, I'm sorry about everything,” Derek starts to move towards the couch, sits down at what he judges to be an appropriate distance from where Alex is stiffly perched, “If there's anything...”
“Don't.”
The word is barked, venomous. Derek feels like he's been slapped.
Alex stands abruptly and strides from the room, he hears thundering on the stairs and a door slam on a different floor before scrubbing his hands across his face and releasing a frustrated sigh.
“What did you say to him?”
Meredith has appeared in the doorway, materialising as silently as she does everything else these days, from somewhere else in the house. The sound of her voice shocks him, it is rough from lack of use and shed tears.
“Nothing, I just said I was sorry...”
“For what?” She cuts him off, accusingly and then goes silent, expecting an answer he can't find the words for.
“I don't know, for everything I guess...”
“It wasn't your fault.”
Again her tone is confrontational, like she is trying to find a fight where there really isn't one.
“I know, but... I don't know. He's been so quiet today. I don't think I've heard him speak once until...” Derek trails off, not entirely convinced the don't he'd just heard qualifies as a sentence, “I thought he might want to...”
“Derek, he buried his girlfriend today, he doesn't have to speak if he doesn't have anything to say.”
“I know, but it's not just that he's not speaking, he's not eating, he's not sleeping, he's not doing anything...”
“He's fine.”
“He is far from fine. You said it yourself, he buried his girlfriend today, he is far from fine.”
“He's fine, Cristina, George and I are taking care of him.”
He notes the names. Wonders briefly if his exclusion is deliberate and decides it probably is.
Derek sighs again, attempts a different tack.
“So how are you holding up? The service was...”
“I'm fine too.”
“Meredith...”
“I am. I'm fine.” She plasters a wide, fake grin across her face that doesn't even go close to touching her eyes, it makes Derek feel ill.
“See? I'm fine,” she forces, unconvincing and not caring in the slightest, “I'm going to find Alex.”
“Yes...” Derek intones to her retreating back, sarcasm heavy, '...we buried Izzie Stevens today but we are all just fine...”
--
They move through the hospital like a silent regiment. Separating only when their jobs dictate that they must. They are an army but they are professional, even Owen will concede that. He is fascinated by their transformation, it is complete and happens almost seemingly over night. He is unsure of his position in Cristina's life now, wonders dejectedly whether he still occupies one at all.
When together they have taken on an almost reverent air, conversations stop as they walk past, groups scatter to allow them space. He understands their command, their presence, he was a part of something similar once. It will crack eventually, it always does.
“Do they speak to you?”
Derek is suddenly beside him, Owen understands the real question does Cristina speak to you? Owen sympathises with him, he knows there was a ring, once.
“Not unless she has to,” is his reply, and Derek nods, agrees.
“They're in denial, all of them, it's not healthy.”
“I don't think it's denial,” Owen counters, and it's the truth, he doesn't. “I think they're completely aware of what has happened, of how easily it happened, how quickly. I don't think they're in denial at all, but I do agree that it's not healthy, whatever this is...”
“What should we do?”
“We wait.”
“For what?”
“The turning point, and there will be one. Eventually. Until then we just have to wait, and prepare ourselves to deal with it when it comes.”
“What if we're too late?”
“We won't be,” he answers with unexplainable confidence.
--
“I'm pretty sure Meredith has forgotten that I exist”
Lexie whispers the words into the dark. She doesn't even know if Mark is awake, she kind of hopes that he's not. She hates herself for thinking this way, it feels selfish, immature.
They have both been living at the hotel for weeks now. It had been a natural progression, one she's fairly certain only Derek has noticed. Lexie's clothes are no longer in the attic, her car is no longer on the street. Nobody has said a word.
Mark turns, meets her eyes in the dim light and runs his fingers gently down the side of her face. Quite obviously as unable to sleep as she is.
“I think it's exactly the opposite to that,” he murmurs, shifting his position and pulling her into a tight embrace, “I think they, all four of them, I think they've forgotten that they exist.”
“What do you mean?”
“They're like zombies, the way they walk around the hospital. It's freaky, it freaks me out. They have entire conversations without even opening their mouths...”
His voice rumbles deep in his chest, Lexie presses her ear flush against his warm skin and closes her eyes, intent to listen for now.
“...I don't think I've seen them eat, Karev looks like he hasn't slept in years. They're zombies. You and I? We're existing, they... they... hell, I have no idea what you would call what they are doing...”
It comes in a rush and Lexie wonders if Mark has been thinking about this a lot. She is surprised by his level of intuition sometimes. She finds lots of things about him surprising these days.
“I had a feeling... about patient X, I couldn't explain it but...”
She has had even more trouble with this than with the apparent sisterly abandonment. Their reactions to the end diagnosis, the reaction of her fellow interns, what was said, how it was said, makes her feel sick to her stomach, even now.
Mark runs his fingers through her hair, encouraging her to keep going. She hasn't spoken to anyone about this yet.
“I went back to see her, after we'd presented the diagnosis. She was taking all the scans down and she asked me what I would say, how I would break the news to the patient. I think, now, looking back, she needed to hear it like that, not just clinically... needed to hear it in a way that she could relate to.”
“What did you say?”
“Um, she put me on the spot a bit, I wasn't sure. I ended up babbling about how odds are crap. That my mom died from the hiccups and how stupid was that and that the patient, whoever she was, she should fight because odds are crap. Something like that.”
“Are you sure you babbled?” Mark teases, planting a kiss in her hair, “I can't imagine you babbling at all...”
She smiles into his skin, tastes the salt of tears she didn't even know she had shed.
“As I was walking out she said thank you, just like that... it seemed kinda odd at the time, it wasn't offhanded, she really meant it. I'm glad now... that I went back to see her after.”
She nods to herself, confirming and squeezes her eyes closed against tears that are now coming freely.
“I'm really glad that I went back,” she finishes in a whisper.
--
Alex is asleep on his folded arms when Cristina arrives for lunch. Meredith is opposite him, reading and chewing absently on Alex's abandoned fries. She slides quietly into the seat next to him, raises her eyebrows in silent question to Meredith who simply shrugs an equally silent response in return. There is no need for words, for sentences, they are beyond the need for those these days.
“Dr. Yang...”
Owen is suddenly beside Cristina but he doesn't get his request completely vocalised before Alex jerks awake violently, lurching upright abruptly and with a loud intake of breath that verges on a scream. His chair flies backwards, lands on its side with a metallic clatter that reverberates in the now silent cafeteria. His eyes are wild, searching for focus and she steals a quick glance at Meredith who has frozen, fry half-way to her mouth, eyes wide and confused.
He is upright for maybe a second before his expression fades and his face ghosts, he sways once and Meredith calls his name, panicked, trying to reach across the table to grab him.
She is bumped roughly to the side as Owen reaches around her and grabs a handful of Alex's lab coat with one hand, wraps the other around his bicep. George has appeared and is moving to get purchase on his other side.
Cristina is frozen, she can't move and she can't breathe. The noise, the yelling, it is deafening.
Alex slumps in a sideways motion, and it is only Owen's hold of his bicep that stop his chin smashing into the table top.
“Alex? Hey, Karev? You with us?”
She can hear Owen's frantic calls, sees George stand and be replaced by Meredith at Alex's other side. He starts to stir under their hands, breathing harshly, still white as a sheet.
“Alex, it's okay. I'm here,” Meredith chants, finding her voice as Alex starts to struggle out of their hold. She forces his head down between his knees, quietly encouraging him to breathe slowly.
Cristina feels like she is watching a scene in a movie play out. Meredith is pushing Owen off without looking at him and wrapping her small frame around Alex's much bigger one on the floor, her body entwining so completely with his that it becomes impossible to tell where one ends and the other begins. She is unsure when his hitched breaths turn to heaving sobs but they do and the sound is like fingernails down a blackboard. It makes her blood run cold.
--
“You were right, you know?”
Derek visibly startles as Meredith approaches him and it takes her a moment to realise that she rarely initialises conversations with him anymore, he has every right to be startled.
“What about?”
His reply is guarded, cautious and she wonders when he became so wary of her.
“Alex, he's not fine. Not just Alex, none of us I guess... but him mostly...” she trails off, still shaken somewhat by earlier events. She can remember the feel of him trembling beneath her, the track of his tears pooling in her hand as she held his head close to her. They shocked her, the tears, she couldn't remember seeing him cry yet, and maybe that should have been a bigger clue.
“What happened?”
She is shocked to discover that he doesn't already know and, almost instantly, grateful that Hunt must have managed to keep something of a lid on it.
“Alex freaked out in the cafeteria at lunchtime.”
“Is he okay?”
She shakes her head, no. Unable to voice the confirmation out loud. Some habits are harder to break.
Derek wraps an arm around her, pulls her towards a closed door, an on-call room. They enter and he sits, she leans her back against the wall. Remains standing.
“Are you okay?”
Derek asks the question quietly, genuinely. Earnest smpathy lighting his eyes in the dim shadows of the poorly lit room. But she can't answer that...
“He's been sedated, he's sleeping now...”
She hears rather than sees Derek's reaction, a long, drawn out exhale.
“Like I said, you were right. He wasn't coping, not even close.”
“I didn't want to be right, you know that don't you?”
She nods because she does. She can see it more clearly now.
“I know. Izzie would be devastated... if she could see him... I think we've failed her, the rest of us...”
There is a pause and neither of them moves to deny her thoughts. There can be no denying her thoughts.
“Are you okay?”
He repeats his earlier question and she lifts her eyes to meet his, it feels like the first time in forever.
“Not really...but I will be, I'm pretty sure...”
She trails off with a faint smile, sees it mirrored in one on his face.
“Wanna head home?”
She can hear the tentativeness in his voice and feels fleetingly guilty, certain without doubt that she is entirely responsible for putting it there.
She knows she can relax in the knowledge that Alex is being looked after so she nods, yes.
“But can we just check upstairs first?”
Just because she knows doesn't it mean she doesn't need to see it for herself.
It's not as easy as that. She doesn't want it to be as easy as that.
Izzie Stevens meant so much more to them than that.
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no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 03:14 am (UTC)I love the way the interns band together. Alex's freak out. The way Derek doesn't completely understand what's going on, sees the issues with it, doesn't know what to do about it. The ending. Just GUH.
Bookmarking. Awesome!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 03:33 am (UTC)And I'm glad you liked the ending, it's the first time I have ever written Mer/Der interaction and I wasn't sure how it would go. It wasn't the original ending that I had planned but... turned out that I liked it better.
PS. I just submitted this to ga_fanfic but I have a bad feeling that I stuffed up the cuts... anyway you can tell before you allow it to be posted? Ta!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 03:36 am (UTC)No, it's fine. The cuts are good. Sorry I didn't clear it right away -- I have to manually check the queue since it doesn't send notifications to my email anymore (stupid Hotmail and its spam blocker)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 03:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 06:38 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 06:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 04:42 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 04:59 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 05:08 am (UTC)Grey's pushes the envelope regarding medicine, but I hope they don't try and insult people's intelligence that far.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-22 05:13 am (UTC)(I think it would be more insulting if they had her surviving easily, breezing through limited treatments, returning to work immediately etc...)
no subject
Date: 2009-03-23 02:54 pm (UTC)Thank you for both of these. They were incredible.
I'm still holding out hope Izzie is going to actually pull through. That's me, the Queen of Denial.
no subject
Date: 2009-03-23 11:26 pm (UTC)And don't worry... I am totally in Egypt with you on the Izzie not making it topic! She's gonna be FINE and she's gonna live happliy ever after with Alex!
no subject
Date: 2009-03-28 09:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2009-03-29 03:50 am (UTC)Hope it wasn't as sad as the most recent episode. Gah. I bawled like a baby!
"The scarf? I made it for you."
I sobbed.
no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 06:16 am (UTC)I loved the way you wrote them all together, taking care each of other, and being all protective (especially Meredith). I really *cannot* say "heartbreaking" enough times =(
If Izzie dies, I want it to play out like this =(
I don't think I've ever used so many sad smileys in a review before =(
If you weren't so devastatingly brilliant....I'd hate you ;)
no subject
Date: 2009-04-21 07:34 am (UTC)I feel like I should say sorry for inducing tears but... I'm not! *evil grin*
And yep, the escort of bodies was totally meant to be a tribute to that scene at the end of season two.
Please to be not hating me! Thank you so much for not only taking the time to read these but to write the reviews too. Much appreciated.
no subject
Date: 2010-04-10 01:49 am (UTC)I think the strengthened bond between MerTinaAlex began when Alex came to Mer's hospital room to inform MerTina that Izzie left and Mer told Cristina to go hug him. When he backed away that look on his face just said, "You are my friends. I know that. Thank you."
This ficlet reflected that, which is why I LOVE it so.
I'd like to marry it and have its babies, as a matter of fact. Is that legal?
no subject
Date: 2010-04-11 06:56 am (UTC)It's definitely up for a diamond if you wanna slip one on it's ring finger! (and that sounds so much dirtier than was intended...)
I agree that the moment when Alex went to Mer/Cris with no hesitation was a turning point in their friendship for me, too. Brilliant. It was all so in character, his uncertainty, Cristina's obvious discomfort, whole and healed Meredith's insistence that she hug him... just... GAH!