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waltzmatildah) wrote2007-05-21 06:14 pm
Fic: Don't Even Want To Talk About It (Alex)
Title: Cast No Shadow (Chapter Three)
Character/Pairing: Alex and Addison
Word Count: 3050
Rating: T
Summary: Addison gets some insight.
Disclaimer: I see nothing, I hear nothing, I speak nothing...I definately own nothing.
* large cash reward for the first person to identify my tongue-in-cheek jab at S. Rhimes & Co! Well, maybe no cash but certainly huge amount of personal satisfaction!!!
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If anyone had have looked into a crystal ball at seven that morning and predicted what was to become of Addison’s day she would have called Derek for a consult. She was beginning to think that there was something in the water here in Seattle that reduced, if not completely removed, the ability to control one’s sexual urges from otherwise completely rational and educated and professional individuals. She had always considered herself above brief, nonsensical liaisons, especially brief, nonsensical liaisons with younger men under her tutelage, but there was something about Alex Karev that drew her in with an almost magnetic force. She knew almost nothing about the man, outside his abilities as a neonatal surgeon and the varied pieces of hospital gossip she tried so diligently to disregard - although she must admit that some of it intrigued her and she couldn’t help but wonder about the truth behind it. She felt like she was living in some sordid, trashy romance novel, or maybe a really bad porno but she would probably have to be a nurse for it to sink into that territory.
The funniest part was though, she was finding it particularly challenging to be disappointed in herself, in fact she was feeling somewhat elated and exhilarated and perhaps even a little proud. Addison Forbes Montgomery, divorced neonatal surgeon nearing middle age, could still bring it to the younger generation! She did an internal fist pump and allowed herself a moment of reflection and a cheesy grin before shifting her professional persona firmly back into place and grabbing the next chart from her never ending pile that needed updating and signing off on.
----
Sixty minutes and one extremely awkward conversation with Mark later Addison was preparing to leave for the evening. Mark’s inability to see out the sixty days didn’t really surprise her and in all honesty she wasn’t sure she even wanted him to succeed but it still caused her heart to constrict with disappointment . It just wasn’t meant to be, it had never meant to be and now, without a shadow of a doubt, it would never be again. She had hoped that they would be able to hold onto some semblance of a friendship, they did have a long and colorful past and it would be a shame to see that disintegrate completely but it would remain to be seen what would become of it.
The relationship, if she could call it that, she was now dancing in with Alex was also confusing and conflicting and, not to mention, totally inappropriate. She had seen him earlier, bent over his books studying, and had briefly considered asking if he wanted to get a drink or, even more daringly, if he’d like to come back to the hotel with her where she could help him study. She mentally chastised herself for even entertaining such flights of fancy and grabbed two coffees from the vending machine in the hall before moving to sit beside him, waving one cup under his nose to get his attention which was still focused intently on the text.
‘Hmm, post operative complications following vertical mammoplasty, that won’t help with your neonatal residency.’
He moved to take the coffee from her outstretched hand, nodding his thanks and grinning slyly,
‘Hey, I never said…’
‘I know, I know,’ Addison raised both hands in a awkward defeat, two fingers on her right hand gripping gingerly to the steaming cup, ‘but you know you want to,’ she continued suggestively before panicking that he would misinterpret her meaning.
She sat back and took a slurping sip of the steaming liquid to distract him from her words but visibly flinched as the scalding coffee met her tentative lips.
‘Hot?’
‘Oh, yeah, you could say that…’ dammit, why did everything have to sound so…
‘So, how’s the studying going? There’s still a few days til the exam right? If you need a hand with anything be sure to…’
‘Addison, it’s okay.’
‘Pardon?’
‘This…late evening version of the morning after, whatever it is…us, its okay, I know it was just, well…whatever it was, I’m not gonna ask you to marry me or anything so you really don't have to worry...about me, or...whatever...'
'Whoa, Karev, slow down, this is nothing, it's a cup of coffee for my intern who looks dead on his feet and has the most important exam of his career in a few days. This afternoon was, interesting and very, clandestine,' she raised one perfect eyebrow conspiratorially before continuing, 'but we both know it was a momentary lapse of judgment after a very difficult few weeks. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed myself...'
Alex snorted and looked up at her indignantly,
'...but its not going to become a regular occurence.'
Alex let out a sigh and closed his eyes briefly, leaning back hard into the plastic seat, making it creak with strain.
'Okay, so usually it's me giving that speech but,' he gave Addison a wry grin, '...thanks for the coffee.'
He raised the cup to hers, gently tapping the rims together.
'Cheers.'
'So the exam, stupid question I know but how did you go? Was it as hard as they say it is because between you and me...' Alex paused briefly and glanced down the hallway, continuing only once confirming it empty, 'I am freaking out. I don't have the best track record with these things and while this may come as a complete shock to you I have been known to, uh, panic I guess when my whole career depends on, well...this,' Alex waved his empty hand absently over the books in front of him.
'Even now I keep expecting to get a tap on my shoulder and an apologetic face telling me its been a big mistake, that I...'
'Alex,' Addison stated in a manner to break his rambling and catch his attention.
'You are meant to be here and you can do this, that I know for a fact. I know you present this cocky, self assured ass to the world even though you have no faith in yourself whatsoever...'
'That's because...'
'No, that's bullshit, that's what it is. If you tell yourself you're not good enough over and over then you aren't disappointed when things fall apart, it's a cop out and you are better than that. I know it, Dr. Bailey knows it, the Chief knows it, hell...even Mark knows it, it's only you that doesn't. Alex, you're a surgical intern, people don't mistakenly or accidentally become surgical interns, they...'
Addison's speech was interrupted, timely because she wasn't sure where she was headed with it, by the sound of Alex's pager beeping and vibrating from somewhere beneath the mound of books before him. He'd hardly had time to move the texts and switch the device off before the instant beeping started up again.
'Okay, so that's weird, the first is the NICU, the second one was Admin, I'd better...' Alex moved to haphazardly pack up his gear and shove it into his backpack.
'Okay, I'll take NICU, you take Admin, then go home and get some sleep and I'll see you back here in the morning.'
Addison stepped away to head left to the lifts up to the NICU as Alex continued cleaning up.
'Addison?' She stopped and turned to look down at him, 'thanks...you know...for everything. I don't say that enough and I should...say it, so...thanks.'
Addison smiled warmly and genuinely.
'You're welcome, Dr. Karev, and I know you've probably just filled your quota for meaningful conversations for the next ten years but if you ever want to talk I'm always around and I have been doing this a while, chances are I'll understand.'
She turned on her heel and strode purposefully in the direction of the elevators, pleased with how that had gone. She smiled ruefully when she remembered her earlier fantasy of helping him 'study', thank God she hadn't gone there!
-----
The situation in the NICU was relatively straight forward so Addison took her return there as an opportunity to do a thorough check of her babies. She was just preparing to leave when she was accosted in the elevator by Mark declaring he was taking her for a drink so they could move past the awkward do we speak to each other or don't we phase of their relationship and just get back to being friends. She was surprised to hear herself agreeing to one glass of wine as long as it was his shout. Thankfully, by the time they reached the door to Joe's, which Mark held open for her - ever the gentleman - they had relaxed back into the friendly banter of years previously. Mark had even confessed his lie from earlier, he hadn't failed the bet, he had simply been giving her an out that wouldn't end in questioning or guilt. She was surprised and eternally grateful, if somewhat shocked, by his selflessness.
They had been inside the warm and inviting interior of Joe's for less than a minute before the space surrounding them was assaulted by the high pitched sound of a quite obviously very drunk Izzie Stevens.
'Dr. Montgomery? Addison?'
Addison flinched at the sound of her first name being wailed across the crowded expanse of the popular establishment. Locating the source of the caterwauling from the rear wall by a grouping of tables Addison found not only a very unsteady looking Izzie, who even more oddly appeared to have a jacket on over her scrubs, but Miranda's other four interns as well. Pushing the disappointment that Alex hadn't taken her advice of heading home for some obviously much needed sleep aside, she glanced across at Mark and raised her eyebrows.
'Well, this could be interesting...'
'Chardonnay?' Mark used the single work as a question, simultaneously indicating his intention to head to the bar before subjecting himself to drunken interns.
'You'd better make it a large one,' she answered back before steeling herself for what lay ahead and moving towards Izzie and her posse. She could see that Alex was standing, jacket and bag gathered in his arms, and appeared to be leaving. She briefly hoped he wasn't running away but was ripped from those thoughts by Izzie once again commanding her attention.
'Addison, do you mind if I call you Addison? You're probably gonna want to...'
Addison's thoughts flashed to Callie's 'lines of deliciousness' comment from when Addison had been staring a little too intently at Alex in the hospital and immediately decided that if Izzie were in a cartoon right now she would be exuding alcoholic vapours. The sheer volume of empty shot glasses and champagne flutes, not to mention the two beer jugs, one of which contained a pink soda straw for what reason Addison didn't even want to know, paid homage to their alcohol intake capacity. That they were still conscious, let alone standing and communicating, seemed a miracle although Addison did acknowledge that their relative youth and more recent stint at Medical School would be standing them in good stead.
'...wink, wink, nudge, nudge...and all of that!'
Addison, never more grateful for Mark's presence than now, grabbed the proffered white wine from his outstretched hand before biting back,
'Jesus, Stevens, is this all you interns do? Work and drink and then drink some more?'
To say Izzie's reply was not what she expected would have to have been the understatement of Addison's entire existence and while being stone cold sober meant the harshness and inappropriateness and bitchiness of Stevens' words was not lost on her she can also say that the news left her internally reeling. The collective chorus of shocked gasps and choked exclamations instantly alerted her to the fact that this piece of information was news to everyone, everyone except Izzie and...Alex. It was really only now that she allowed herself a good look at him and the image did little to settle her.
She vaguely heard him attempt to rebut Izzie's claims as Stevens continued her barrage but all Addison could concentrate on was the shaking, panicked and, most importantly, utterly terrified figure in front of her.
'Izzie, stop it,' she commanded, noting Alex's increased respiration rate and the sweat sheen covering his pale complexion. They continued tossing rebukes between each other before Addison saw Alex take a deep, resigned breath and close his eyes. The next words out of his mouth effectively stopped her world from turning and all she could see was the misery in his eyes, the shock on Izzie's face and a black pulsing which she vaguely identified as her own heart beat pounding at the back of her eyes.
She could see Christina rise, her Asian features doing a much more effective job of concealing the shock than everyone else seemed able to achieve. Fully intending to follow the now fleeing Alex herself she sent a fierce glare in Christina's direction which had the intern returning to her seat almost instantaneously. By the time she had gathered her coat and her thoughts and her control and had turned to follow Alex out into the cool evening, aware of Mark's continuing presence somewhere close behind her, Alex had all but vanished. Vanished from the bar, from the streets outside and, following a quick but vigilant search, from anywhere in the surrounding area.
'Shit,' Addison swore, raking her trembling fingers through her long, red hair.
'Yes, I think 'shit' effectively sums this up,' Mark concurred from a spot about ten metres behind her, 'I sure didn't see that coming.'
Commotion and panicked conversation from the other side of the road alerted Addison to the re-emergence of the other four.
'Oh God, Dr. Montgomery, did you find him? What did he say? Is he okay?'
'Does it look like I found him, Stevens? As for him being okay...well, think about it, would you be okay if what just happened to him happened to you?'
George grabbed Izzie's arm, pulling her back, and said they would head over to the hospital grounds while Christina and Meredith headed back to Meredith's house to see if he had disappeared in that direction. Mark and Addison agreed to keep checking the likely areas in the closest vicinity to the pub.
-----
Addison was physically and emotionally exhausted by the time Mark finally convinced her to head back to their hotel. It was nearing midnight and Mark assured her the others would have found him by now and in their drunken haze had simply forgotten to contact her. They had just reached her room at the Archfield when her cell phone rang loudly from the depths of her handbag, she exchanged a glance with Mark before flipping it open.
'Hello?....Derek?.....What?.....He what?'
Addison's hand covered her eyes as she sank down onto the bed. Mark hadn't moved from the doorway yet but now stepped inside and closed the heavy door softly behind him.
'Okay, okay....right...shit...I'm on my way, I'll be right there.'
She closed the phone and lowered her face into her hands, speaking to Mark through her fingers.
'He OD'd, well, they're pretty sure he did, they're still waiting for some results, he's unconscious, on a vent., shit...' she looked up at Mark before continuing, 'Miranda found him in the ED, he collapsed right in front of her apparently, smashed his head open on the floor...might be a job for you there,' she grinned sadly, unbuckling her Jimmy Choo's and slipping on a pair of plain black flats for the trip back to the hospital.
-----
By the time they got back the interns had gathered in an empty on-call room and were all sitting together in a sad, silent vigil, struggling through varying stages of sobriety. Hanging around only long enough to hear Alex had been moved to the ICU she turned to leave again, to head straight there.
'Dr. Bailey told us to wait here, we aren't allowed to go up there,' Izzie countered softly.
Choosing to believe that Miranda had not included Addison in the group banished to the on-call room, she ignored Izzie's comments and continued on her way.
Miranda was in the hall speaking quietly to Derek when Addison and Mark approached. Miranda looked up when she saw them and sighed.
'It's been a damned circus up here tonight,' she commented to Addison, rubbing her eyes in a manner attesting to her lack of sleep and patience and a good mood.
'So how is the star attraction?' Mark asked and Addison turned to look through the glass behind her. She could hear Derek begin to answer but only took in fragmented phrases, 'tachycardic and hypotensive', 'moderate swelling', 'elevated temp.', 'prolonged QTs', 'high blood alcohol content', 'significant levels of amitriptyline hydrochloride', 'grand mal seizure' but her main focus was on Alex's unconscious form, swamped by the high tech. ICU bed and the various pieces of medical equipment being used to sustain him. She could see his chest, bare but for the electrodes monitoring his still erratic heart beat, and briefly recaptured the sensations and the emotions she had experienced only earlier that day while that muscular, golden torso was pressed up against her breast.
She moved to sit in the chair that was beside his bed, longing to lift his pale, lifeless hand into her own and hold on for dear life but knowing she couldn't for a myriad of reasons, the least important of which being the nasty looking cannula stuck in the back of it and the thin, snaking tubing connecting it to a sodium bicarbonate IV bag hanging over the bed.
It was only now, in the relative stillness of the ICU, with Miranda, Derek and Mark still engaged in conversation on the other side of the glass, that Addison allowed herself to reflect on Izzie's revelation and Alex's devastated response to it. She couldn't help but wonder what the full story involved and whether she would ever be privy to the private and obviously painful details. Of all the rumours that had done the mill at Seattle Grace regarding Alex's sexual history and inability to stay faithful or have a committed relationship, none of them had even come close to the heartbreaking truth.
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no subject
Another great chapter in this fic. I love it. I love how you write different points of view, each one with one more piece of information than the last. I hope you write the forth chapter soon, 'cus I also can't help but wonder what the full story involves!