Fic: Don't Even Want To Talk About It (Alex)

[waltzmatildah]

Title: The Sound Of White (Chapter Seven)
Character/Pairing: Alex and OC
Word Count: 4555
Summary: Alex gets a friend, finally.
Disclaimer: None of them are mine (except for James)

James was sleeping restlessly on the couch in front of his quietly flickering television when he was startled awake by a shrill ringing. Sitting up so suddenly that the room did a quick spin before his eyes, he hurried to locate his cell phone which had, over the course of the evening, worked it’s way between the couch cushions and was now firmly ensconced in the base with God only knew what other detritus from his bachelor life. Finally pulling it free and giving it a quick shake to remove some stray crumbs of something…, he pressed the green answer button and mumbled a sleepy hello. The silence on the line annoyed him no end and he considered hanging up, rolling back over and giving away to blissful sleep again. It had been a bitch of a day and he could think of nothing better than curling up in a ball and shutting out the last sixty eight minutes of it.

 

‘James?’

 

The voiced, instantly familiar, was so quiet and breathy and vague that at first James thought he had imagined it but then it all clicked into place, suddenly, shockingly, painfully. The day, the date, why it had been so shit, like subconsciously, this day was marked in his brain and was destined to be the worst day of the year for the rest of his life. Shit.

 

‘Alex? That you man?’

 

He’d not heard from Alex for at least six months, he’d moved away to begin his internship at Seattle Grace only weeks after…well, only weeks after and slowly but surely James could feel him pulling away from everyone and everything that could somehow be associated with her. Hell, even his personality had changed, he’d become just like the people at Medical School they had both detested with a passion, arrogant, cocky…rude. They had nothing in common anymore save for some faded photographs and even more faded memories and James understood that if it was hard for him then hell, he couldn’t even begin to imagine what it must be like for Alex.

 

‘Hey, if you’re gonna wake me up, the least you can do is say something…Alex? You okay man?’

 

‘James?’ came the whispered reply and James felt his blood vapourise.

 

‘Yeah man, it’s me. You okay?’

 

‘No…uh, I don’t…fuck…’

 

The voice was cut off and replaced with a sharp thud and muffled sounds of movement and heavy breathing and James guessed that Alex had either fallen over or dropped the phone, or both.

 

‘Alex? Hey, Alex? You still there man?’

 

The scuffling stopped and James heard what sounded like a door slamming in the background before Alex was on the line again.

 

‘James?’

 

‘Yeah, I’m still…’

 

‘Shit…I…’

 

‘Alex, what’s going on? Are you okay?’ James was beginning to worry now, countless scenarios playing out like a loud, technicolour film across his vision.

 

‘I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…’ James heard Alex take a deep shuddering breath, all his medical instincts telling him something was definitely wrong with this situation, ‘…I shouldn’t have called you, I’m…sorry…sorry.’

 

‘Alex, where are you? Is there anybody else there? Can I maybe talk to someone else?’

 

‘No, no, no…no…there’s no one else…never anyone else…else around…just me…’

 

‘Alex, do you want me to…I can come get you if you want, I’m not in Iowa anymore, I’m only about…’ James glanced down at the steadily rotating digital numbers on the face of his Fossil watch, nearly eleven, crap.

 

‘Alex, are you at the hospital? Or at least in Seattle? I can be there in about eight hours, do you want me to come up and get you?’

 

‘I think it’ll be…late…too late…too…late…’

 

James could feel all his worry turning to panic, reliving the lost desolation in Alex’s eyes all those days ago, all those three hundred and sixty five fucking days ago and he began to feel the penne carbonara he had devoured only hours earlier threatening to make a return all over his living room floor.

 

‘Alex, I really need to talk to someone else, are you sure there isn’t someone else I can talk to? Where are you exactly? At the hospital? At home? Are you hurt? Al…shit…just…are you okay?’

 

‘Everything fucking hurts Jay, every fucking thing hurts all the fucking time but…you wanna know the funniest thing? I think I’m having a heart attack, which would be fine, bring it fucking on, but no one here’s going to believe me coz…they don’t think I have one…and I don’t think I have one either and everyone here…like actually everyone…thinks I’m some fucking hick asshole from some fucking hick asshole town and it’s so much easier when they think that and now Izzie…and Addison, fucking Addison Forbes Montgomery Shepherd…no…wait…not Shepherd, not anymore, and Mark fucking Sloan…and…’

 

James had no idea who these people were though the name Sloan did ring some Medical School bells, all he could concentrate on was Alex’s rambling, almost incoherent voice, he sounded wasted and if he was then James really didn’t think he could blame him.

 

‘Hey Al, Alex man, you been drinkin’ yeah? You at a pub somewhere? Maybe at home? Is there someone else there I can talk to? I just wanna make sure someone’s gonna look after you til I get there coz I’m on my way right? No more booze til I get there okay…’

 

James bustled around his apartment, having emptied his gym bag out onto the couch he had just vacated he then refilled it one handed with boxer shorts and socks and t-shirts from the yet to be put away washing pile, his phone still pressed to one ear. He figured if he drove straight there he could be at Seattle Grace in a little under eight hours. He just had to hope that if Alex wasn’t at the hospital there would be someone there who would know where to find him.

 

‘Hey Alex, I’m just getting in the car now okay? You wanna keep talking? Tell me about Seattle, have you been up the Space Needle yet? Hey, I know, remember that ninja chick we used to think was hot from that dumb tv show, you know the one that was half cat or something? You seen her around anywhere…’ James broke off when he heard the chinking of glass and the distinct sound of liquid being swallowed very close to the mouthpiece.

 

‘Hey man, no more booze remember, no more til I get there, Al? Promise me, no more booze til I get there?’

 

‘Promises, schmomises, it’s all a load of shit, one fucking huge stinking load of shit, I’m…sorry for…shit…sorry for calling, for not calling, for being such a hick fucking asshole…sorry Jay…I’m so fucking sorry…’

 

‘Alex, man, it’s all cool, we’ve all been…’

 

James’ reply was cut off by the sound of the dial tone sounding in his ear, pulling the phone away to inspect the screen he confirmed that Alex had indeed hung up.

 

‘Shit.’

 

Searching the received calls menu he found Alex’s number and dialed hopefully only to be greeted by Alex’s sober, strong, familiar voice instructing him to leave a message which he may or may not return.

 

‘Shit.’ James repeated, tossed his phone to the passenger seat and turned the volume of the softly humming radio up so loud that he could feel the metal of the car vibrating around him. All he could do was drive and hope to hell Alex didn’t do anything stupid before he got there.

 

***

 

James walked up to the admissions desk at Seattle Grace hospital a little before eight am. He looked like absolute crap and he knew it but he could honestly say that he had never been more glad to be somewhere than he was right then.

 

‘Hey,’ he smiled at the pretty blonde behind the desk, momentarily forgetting the wrinkled shirt, the coffee stain he had created at four am and the dark stubble that he knew without even running a hand over it, would have doubled in length during his drive. She smiled back politely and took a small, unconscious step back.

 

‘Good morning sir, how can I help?’

 

‘Actually, I’m Dr. James Bartell, I’m looking for a friend of mine, Alex Karev, he’s an intern…’

 

‘You’re a friend of Alex’s…uh, I mean Dr. Karev’s?’

 

‘Yeah, I was wondering if you could point me in the…’

 

‘Of course, he’s up in the ICU, it’s on the fourth floor, if you follow the signs you can’t miss it.’

 

James could feel the relief course through him as he took in the young lady’s words. If he was at work then he must be okay, probably had a mother of a hangover but…shit, thank God! He grinned back at her stupidly, thanked her and pushed away from the desk to make his way up to the fourth floor. Once inside, he leaned heavily against the elevator wall, the adrenalin he had been riding all but disappeared, leaving him utterly exhausted. Squeezing his eyes tightly shut before opening them wide again in an attempt to look a little more awake than he actually felt, he waited for the silver doors to slide open before stepping out into the quiet foyer.

 

Spotting the nurses station to the right he turned and quickly covered the short distance to the counter. There were three people behind the desk and they all turned to look at him at the same time, almost as though the move had been choreographed. The woman closest to him was in surgical scrubs and, in all honesty, looked as exhausted as he felt.

 

‘Hi, sorry to be a nuisance but I’m Dr. James Bartell, I was told I could find Alex Karev up here. He’s an old friend of mine…’

 

‘You’re a friend of Alex Karev?’

 

James was taken aback by the sharpness of her tone and the confused look in her eyes, he didn’t look that bad did he?

 

‘Ahh, yeah. We went to Medical School together back in Iowa, we’ve been friends for…’ James was going to say years but was cut off once again by the short, dark, surprising imposing surgeon.

 

‘Who contacted you?’

 

‘Who contacted me?’ James replied dumbly as an uneasy queasiness began to settle in his gut.

 

‘Um, Alex did. He phoned me…last night, late last night, it seemed like something was up but he wasn’t saying much…’ James saw the surgeon exchange a look with the other two people behind the desk, a tall dark skinned man also wearing surgical scrubs and a more stately looking older man with a lab coat on over his casual clothes, the look did nothing to quell James’ rising panic.

 

‘I drove all night to get here and they told me downstairs he was up here, I figured…ah,’ James ran a hot tongue over his dry lips, ‘…I figured if he was at work then…well, that I’d over reacted but…what’s going on? Where is he? He is up here, right?’

 

James turned a full three hundred and sixty degrees searching for any sign of Alex.

 

‘Dr. Bartell was it?’ The older man spoke, his voice soothing and practiced and only adding to James’ agitation.

 

‘Yeah, but, James, it’s just…James, what the hell’s going on? Where’s Alex?’

 

‘Okay, James, Alex is up here but he’s not working…’

 

‘But…’ James cut in, not understanding, ‘…if he’s here but he’s not working then…’ Hot, hard, heavy realisation hit James in the centre of his chest and he raised a trembling hand to his mouth, ‘…Oh God, what…shit, but I was…I was talking to him, he rang me, where is he? What’s wrong with him?’ He turned to leave, to search, to find but was stopped by a female voice behind him, the same questioning voice from earlier, only softer now, compassionate almost.

 

‘James, he’s going to be okay, he’s a bit of a mess at the moment but he’s going to be fine. I’ll take you to see him in a minute, I’m Dr. Bailey…Miranda…I’m Alex’s resident and this is the Chief of Surgery, Dr. Richard Webber and this is Dr. Bourke…’

 

‘Preston Bourke?’ James spun around to face the group again, now recognising the smooth, dark skinned face from countless medical journal articles. ‘…and you…Cardiothoracic? Shit, what the hell’s going on?’

 

‘James…’ Miranda placed both her hands on his upper arms, forcing him to stop pacing and listen to her.

 

‘Let’s just go sit for a minute, get you a drink or something, then we’ll go see him.’

 

***

 

Ten minutes later James felt markedly calmer, the drink and Miranda’s calming presence having done their job to perfection.

 

‘I’m sorry I freaked out back there, I just…’ James sighed heavily, ‘I wasn’t expecting it, that’s all. I’m a bloody emergency medicine intern, you’d think I’d…well…’ James shrugged his shoulders in defeat.

 

‘So what did he go and do? I’ve gotta admit it sounded hammered when I was talking to him, I was trying to get him to put someone else on the line but he kept telling me he was by himself.’

 

‘We’re actually a bit unsure what exactly happened. He was drinking earlier in the evening with some of the other interns but then…something happened and he disappeared for a few hours before turning up at the ED about midnight where he collapsed at my feet. James, he’d overdosed on amitriptyline…’

 

James was sure his heart skipped a beat, maybe two, before bursting back to life somewhere in the back of his throat.

 

‘…you don’t know where he’d get amitriptyline from do you?’

 

James closed his eyes and leaned back deeply into his chair, slowly nodding his head in ascension.

 

‘Kelly, they’d have been Kelly’s. Shit…I didn’t even give it a bloody thought. He must have…all this time…shit…’

 

‘Kelly, she was his wife right? Where is she?’

 

James looked up sharply.

 

‘You don’t know?’

 

‘Well, we think we might but, truthfully we didn’t even know she existed until last night. The way it came out, well it was a bit messy, it’s probably what got us to where we are now…’

 

James was saddened but not at all surprised by the news that Alex had kept Kelly a secret. He mentally berated himself for not keeping a closer eye on his friend when he left so soon after the funeral.

 

‘Yeah, Kelly was his wife, she was diagnosed bipolar when she was about sixteen. I’m pretty sure they started using Endep to treat her when she was about twenty. That’d be where Alex got it from. She was pretty bad, pretty screwed up. Alex was great with her but…she uh, died…she killed herself…three weeks after the wedding, sliced her wrists in the bath, she was wearing her wedding dress…Alex found her…’

 

The memories flooded back, assaulting James with their vivid intensity. Alex, meeting him at the door afterwards, soaking wet still, quietly hysterical, refusing to change and covered in her blood, he remembered thinking if there was that much blood on Alex then the bathroom must look…well. Then later that night, clean finally but lost and empty and devastated as he asked James how he was supposed to live without her. At the funeral, when James thought there was every possibility they were going to have to sedate him but then he terrified everyone by passing out on the grass beside her, then finally, as he handed James a beer and calmly announced that he was leaving, his eyes still lost and empty and devastated but his demeanor arrogant and aloof, already beginning to change.

 

‘Can I see him now?’

 

‘Sure just one more thing. We had a hell of a lot of trouble stabilizing his heart rate, he actually arrested at about four this morning…’

 

James’ eyes flew up to meet Miranda’s.

 

‘…he’s okay now but, he ever say anything to you about chest pain after exercise or fainting episodes or anything like that? They’ve done an ECG and an ultrasound and found thickening of the cardiac muscle walls, we’re fairly certain he’s got hypertrophic cardiomyopathy which is what would have caused the strong reaction he had to the drugs.’

 

James shook his head, desperately trying to think back while silently wondering how much shit could happen to one person.

 

‘Nah, nothing but Alex would never have said anything even if he did have symptoms.’

 

‘You’re probably right,’ Miranda smiled warmly, ‘So I’m guessing he was always the stubborn ass he is now?’

 

‘You bet,’ James grinned sadly back.

 

‘Do you have contact details for his parents? We haven’t got them listed anywhere…’

 

James nodded slowly, thinking carefully before voicing his response.

 

‘Yeah, I probably do somewhere, for his Mum anyway but…ah, you’d probably want to talk to him about all that first.’

 

***

 

Despite knowing what to expect, James felt completely unprepared for the sight of Alex in the ICU bed. The ventilator he’d been told about was long gone, as was the NG tube but there were still IVs and monitors and nasal canulas and electrodes and despite knowing intimately what each of them did, he still felt uncomfortably overwhelmed.

 

James grabbed Alex’s chart off the wall and stared at the words without really seeing them before replacing it and collapsing into the chair by Alex’s bedside, running his hands over his face and sighing heavily.

 

‘Alex man, how’d the hell did we get here?’

 

Not expecting a response, James was shocked when Alex’s eyes flittered open briefly before closing them again in exhaustion.

 

‘James?’ Alex’s voice was soft and breathy and confused and his throat sounded raw and painful.

 

‘Yeah man, I’m right here. We don’t have to talk yet though, you should go back to sleep. I’m not going anywhere, promise.’

 

‘James?’ Alex repeated, still sounding confused and disorientated.

 

‘Where’s Kelly?’ Alex’s eyes flittered open again and his head lolled bonelessly to the side to look for her, ‘Kel?’

 

‘Shhh, Alex, it’s all good man. It’s just me here. Go back to sleep and we can catch up later.’

 

James watched carefully as Alex’s eyes opened once again and his vision seem to clear and focus.

 

‘What…where am…what happened?’ He asked, his voice sounding a little stronger but still harsh and painful from the various tubes that would have scraped it raw. He grimaced slightly before raising one hand, first to touch his throat then further up to pull at the nasal canula. James reached for his hand gently and pulled it back down to the mattress, noting the lack of resistance and fight.

 

‘You gotta leave that there man, it’s just a nasal canula giving you a bit of extra oxygen, nothing to worry about.’

 

The words seemed to relax Alex somewhat and his breathing began to level out and deepen. James was sure he had gone back to sleep and was consequently surprised when Alex continued.

 

‘What happened? Where am I? How did you…?’

 

‘Hey, one question at a time, firstly, you’re at Seattle Grace or, more specifically, in the ICU ward, I got here by driving for eight hours straight after you rang me last night and as for what happened…well, we can talk about that once you’ve had some more sleep.’

 

Alex nodded slightly, the effort expended in that short conversation had exhausted him and James was relieved when he relaxed back into sleep. Finally allowing himself to relax also, James leaned his body sideways into the chair in an attempt to get some sleep aswell.

 

***

 

James was woken suddenly when a constant beeping sound that had been the background music to his dreamless sleep was suddenly silenced. Opening his eyes he found Alex sitting up in the bed attempting to detach the cardiac electrodes from his chest. By the looks of it he had already removed the nasal canula and the two IVs that had been there when James drifted off to sleep.

 

‘Alex man, what the hell are you doing?’

 

‘What’s it look like?’ came the terse reply, already sounding infinitely stronger and harsher, although still painfully raw, than during their earlier conversation. He struggled to remove the last electrode, his hands trembling slightly from the effort of sitting up and moving.

 

‘Hey, woah, slow down there man…’

 

James moved to grab Alex hand but was roughly shaken off with a shove and a muttered don’t touch me.

 

‘What are you doing? Where do you think you’re going?’ James moved to press the call button, to alert someone to what was happening. He couldn’t figure out why no-one had come but then realised that it was because Alex hadn’t just disconnected himself from the machines but had thought rationally enough to turn them off first.

 

‘Touch that and I swear to God I’ll never speak to you again…’

 

Alex wasn’t even looking at James when he issued his cold, flat, emotionless warning, James guessed he must have sensed the movement behind him as he shuffled towards the side of the bed, one arm wrapped around his chest supporting what James could only guess to be excruciatingly painful, bruised, cracked and possibly broken ribs from the CPR he had been administered only hours earlier.

 

‘Get me some of your clothes,’ Alex ordered through clenched teeth, indicating towards the gym bag James had carried in with him, intending, when he first arrived, to find somewhere to change and freshen up.

 

‘Jesus Alex, are you insane? Look at you, you can barely sit up let alone stand up and walk, how the hell do you think…’

 

‘James,’ Alex’s teeth were still clenched, his eyes also squeezed tightly shut as his breaths came in short, sharp gasps, ‘I’m doing this with or without you so just hand me some fucking clothes…please. I have to get out of this fucking place before…’

 

Alex trailed off as James stood and picked up the bag at his feet, tossing it heavily onto the bed just out of Alex’s reach.

 

‘You know what Alex? Fuck this. Fuck you. You ring out of the blue after six fucking months of nothing and freak me out so bad that I jump straight in the car and drive for eight fucking hours to make sure you’re okay and then when I get here they tell me you tried to fucking kill yourself and Jesus Alex, with her fucking pills. What…are we all supposed to think it’s some tragic fucked up love story? Iowa’s answer to Romeo and fucking Juliet? Well, news flash Alex, it’s a fucking cop out. It was a cop out when she did it and it’s an even bigger fucking cop out that you tried it…’

 

By now Alex had struggled his way gingerly into one of James’ t-shirts and was busy trying to shove his legs into a pair of jeans. James was furious with Alex’s selfishness and oblivious to the way his body was shaking and his eyes were blinking rapidly in an attempt to fight back tears.

 

‘Sometimes I wish you’d never fucking met her…’

 

‘Stop it…’

 

‘She’s fucked you up so bad and you can’t even…’

 

‘Stop it,’ Alex repeated, louder this time but with a distinct waver that grabbed James’ attention and stole his breath. Taking in the pathetic sight of his best friend, distraught and crushed and barely standing, James raised shaking hands of his own to his face.

 

‘Oh God, Alex, I’m so…I didn’t mean…I had no right…’

 

‘It’s okay…’

 

‘No it’s not, it’s not even a little…’

 

‘Sometimes I wish I’d never met her either…’

 

The resignation and sadness and pain in Alex’s voice was mirrored in his eyes and painted vividly on his face. He sank to the ground suddenly, breathing ragged and fast, both arms wrapped protectively around his chest, eyes clenched shut.

 

James launched himself at the call button before grabbing an oxygen mask from the wall behind the bed and raced to Alex side. He pushed the mask over Alex’s nose and mouth and held it securely in place while reaching for Alex’s right wrist to feel for his pulse.

 

‘Alex? You with me man?’

 

Alex groaned from behind the mask and opened his eyes to look at James.

 

‘Chest…’ he breathed, clenching his eyes shut again as the room suddenly filled with people shouting orders and crowding around them. Two people dropped to their knees beside James and he glanced over at them, recognising them instantly.

 

‘What the hell happened?’ The cold, commanding tone from this morning was back and Miranda’s eyes flashed fire at James, making him shrink back from her and thank his lucky stars he wasn’t her intern.

 

‘Long story,’ James answered before slipping back comfortably into doctor mode.

 

‘He’s tachy and complaining of chest pain…’

 

***

 

In all it took about ten minutes for them to have Alex back in bed and re-attached to the monitors and IVs he had expertly extricated himself from earlier. Everyone else had left leaving just Alex, James, Dr. Bailey and Dr. Bourke in the room. Dr. Bourke had just finished outlining Alex’s hypertrophic cardiomyopathy to him and James could see by the way all remaining fight and animation left Alex’s eyes at the news that there was a long way to go for them yet. Dr. Bailey placed a hand on Alex’s arm and said James had five more minutes before Alex’s visiting hours were over for the morning.

 

‘But, so help me God,’ she said, turning to face James, ’If I come back in here and find what I found before the only way you will set foot in this room again is as a patient, a very badly, painfully injured patient.’

 

Warning delivered, she had stalked out of the room followed by Dr. Bourke, leaving them alone again.

 

‘Damn Alex, how the hell have you lasted as her intern for almost a whole year?’

 

Alex simply stared back at him…through him, unmoving.

 

‘Hey Alex, you okay? James asked softly, reaching one hand out to lay over Alex’s, surprised when Alex didn’t immediately jerk away.

 

‘Alex?’ He squeezed gently, hoping to elicit a response and was shocked when Alex returned the squeeze and held it, his eyes blinking rapidly in a failing attempt to prevent tears from falling.

 

‘Hey man, it’s gonna be okay…’

 

Alex shook his head dumbly before whispering back.

 

‘No it’s not, nothing’s okay…’

 

‘Well, it might not be now but it will be I…’

 

‘No,’ Alex cut him off, shaking his head again.

 

‘When I woke up this morning and you were here, well for a split second I forgot…I thought she was…I thought I could feel her in the room and then…’

 

Alex paused and raised his left hand, pushing his fingers deep into his eyes in a furtive attempt to stop tears that still found a way through the clenched lids and around the fingertips.

 

‘Every morning it’s the same and for half a second everything’s okay again but then…then I remember and it makes my chest hurt and I feel sick…every…fucking…day…’ Alex’s voice was fading to a quiet whisper and James could barely hear his next words, ‘…I just miss her so much James, so fucking much and I don’t…think I can keep…doing this anymore…’